I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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