yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
