i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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