Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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