i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize