Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Where is the hickey?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
