It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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