I wish I could teleport
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
