So drunk its hurt
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
