I was born with a shot glass in my hand
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
