i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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