bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
