I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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