So drunk its hurt
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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