Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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