I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
