Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
