I murdered the dance floor call the cops
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
