I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
