There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
