My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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