Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
