my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize