1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
