Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
