wrigley field is MILF paradise
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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