Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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