you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize