What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
