god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
