I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
