3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
