Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
