those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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