Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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