so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
