If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
