i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
