just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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