If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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