Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize