We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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