Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
