i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
