I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
