A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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