She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
