I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize