Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
