god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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