I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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