he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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