the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize