I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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