a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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