just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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