I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
