What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
