this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
